To the parents who can work out custody in the best interest of the child(ren), I commend you.
Anytime when couples split and have to take custody matters to court is going to lose. There is not a winner in any court “battle.” And the person who suffers the most? Is the child. I do not understand. More often than not court “battles” is used to cause some kind of grief or misery to the other parent. It has NOTHING to do with what is in the best interest of the child. Think about it. Think about your friends, your family, and maybe yourself who have talked, ranted, complained about the other parent. Sift through the words that really doesn’t matter and you’ll see the bottom line. It is just to make the other parent angry, get back at them (for something), make life difficult, to be in control. Control? Revenge? Probably the driving forces behind most custody “battles.”
Here are some questions to ponder:
1. Is it fair to the child to have to choose between mom and dad?
2. Is it fair to the child to see one parent more than the other?
3. Is it fair to the child to have a stranger, whom they have never met (Judge) dictate what is in their best interest?
a. Shouldn’t the parents know their child better?
4. Is it fair to the child to be put in the middle of the divorce, separation, and custody issues?
5. Isn’t it hard enough for the child when their entire life has been uprooted & changed, due to divorce and separation?
6. Is it fair to the child to threaten the other parent by threatening to keep the child from them?
a. If you keep the child from the parent, who is really being hurt?
Why is it so difficult for parents to put aside their differences, reasons for divorce and put their children first? If you are married and you want revenge….you have a wealth of other weapons. Alimony, investments, retirements, property, etc. (And No, I am not saying using finances against the other is fair. Divorce is another blog for another day)
Parents, STOP using your children as weapons against the other parent. 1) You are setting a bad example on how to be a good person & work though differences 2) You are destroying your child.
If a parent is making bad choices and not doing what they should as a parent, you do not have to bash the other parent, to the child or anyone else. The child can see. Other people can see. You do NOT have to get overly dramatic. You do NOT have to sink to their level. Believe me, the other parent is digging their own hole and does not need your help. As a parent you should be the best parent you can be to your child and always think about what is in the best interest of your child. Be the better parent. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it is difficult seeing your child disappointed & let down. As the better parent, be there to console your child. To let your child know it is not their fault. To let your child know that you will always be there.
Just because two people break-up, separate, divorce does not mean that you have to go to the J&DR court and file for custody. You do not have to use the state guidelines for child support. Court should be used as a last resort. If you can’t make agreements on your own use a mediator, to discuss custody, finances, etc. Be fair to each other for the sake of your child. From working in J&DR court I can tell you, the Judge does not care about what Parent A or Parent B wants. All they care about is that the child is being taken care of, not abused, or neglected. He/She could care a less about what Parent A did to Parent B. If you think that you can make false accusations against the other parent, I got news for you. Think about how many custody cases they hear each week? Do you think you can say something that hasn’t already been said? Do you think you can try something that hasn’t already been tried? And once custody is established it is hard as hell to get a Judge to change the order. From the Judges stand point, is how does that benefit the child? Do you really want a person whom you do not know, does not know you, does not know your child, does not know your circumstances making the decisions on when you can and cannot see your child? Do you really want a Judge telling you where you can and cannot meet to pick up/drop off the child? Do you really want a Judge telling you what holidays you can spend with your child? Or when you can talk to your child on the telephone? Think about it. Wouldn’t it be much easier to have a flexible schedule so both parents can spend time with their child? So they can split holidays, birthdays, so they can communicate, compromise, and learn how to be flexible, all for the well-being and happiness of their child.
It makes my heart heavy to think of the children affected because of the emotions of their parent. Your children are NOT WEAPONS. It is NOT FAIR to them to only see their parent, every other weekend and 2 weeks in the summer. It is not fair to them to discuss finances, child support, custody, and divorces to them or in front of them. All they need to know is that mom and dad is on their side. That mom and dad will do what is best for them. That mom and dad love them even if they don’t love each other. That mom and dad respect them enough to work together and co-parent. That both mom and dad will be there for school activities, prom, graduation, wedding, etc. because that is what is best for the child. Because that will teach your child not to be vindictive, hold grudges, how to work together, how to love their child, how to be a better person.
So when in doubt always ask yourself this question:
What is in the best interest of my child? And NOT myself?
