The Truth Hurts: The Difference Between a Single Parent and Single Parents

I decided to start my first The Truth Hurts blog off with the distinction of single parenting because I am of one type of single parent.  Often enough we hear a person state "they are a single parent"  but lets put that statement into perspective. 

(A)
There is a difference in ONE person raising a child and TWO people raising a child who are not together anymore.  Of course, the ideal situation is that a child have both of his/her parents in their life and both parents work together to provide that child with as normal of a life as possible and both parents share all the responsiblities in raising that child.  In that realm the parents are "single" parents and not parenting as the sole provider.  That situation is difficult because more often than not the parents split on controversarial terms.  One or the other (most of the time both) have done something to end the relationship and bitterness, resentment, and blame surface, making it difficult to parent together.  Kudos to the parents who rise above all that for the sake of their child and manage to maintain a cordial relationship with their ex (and not choose to use your child as a weapon (as we all know but fail to admit only hurts the child)).  Also that comes along with that type of relationship is the "shared" expenses of raising a child.  As parents we all know children are Expensive! 

(B)
Another type of single parenting is when one parent is considered a part-time parent, leaving the other parent as the "primary" care giver.  That is especially difficult on the child.  This parent is the one who breaks their child's heart over and over again with empty promises.  They do not hold up their end on sharing the responsibilities of raising a child.  They may or may not get their child every other weekend (2 weekends a month).  They may or may not get their child during the summer (or a couple of weeks of the summer).  They may or may not be there to share Christmas, Birthdays, and other holidays.  This parent may or may not pay child support, dental bills, etc.  This parent most of the time views child support as "giving to the primary care giver."   This type of parent is not really a parent.  They are the Disney effect parent.  The child may look up to, look forward to, and seem to love this parent more...because it is different, new, and often times bought affection.  Keep in mind this is temporary.  One day the child will grow up and realize who really took care of them.  They will realize the parent who came to their school play, awards ceremony, sports, took care of them when they were sick, left work to pick them up from school, was their personal taxi is the "real" parent.

(C)
The other type of single parent we have is the one who does it all and does it all alone.  This is the category I fall in.  This is the parent who does not receive any help from the other parent at all.  They raise their child alone.  They pay for this child alone.  This parent is mom, dad, disciplinarian, friend, nurse, everything.  This is probably one of the hardest for a child to understand.  The reason this is so difficult on a child is they do not understand why.  The parent who is there can't really explain it.  I know I can't.  The children may blame their self.  They may blame the parent who is there.  As they grow older they seek to figure out who they are.  The easiest way I can explain is to tell it from my experience. 

Eight years ago my ex-husband and I seperated and then divorced.  We had been in a 12 year relationship/marriage.  For reason's that are not important (for the sake of this blog) we split up and divorced.  As you know we had two children.  The last time I saw their father I gave him a choice because I did not want my children to have a part time dad. I did not want to raise my children in a court battle for the next 13+ years.  And I did not want a stranger (Judge) telling me when I could be with my child and when I couldn't.  His choice was: either be the parent I described in paragraph (A) or be the absent one in (C).  We raise these children as parents and work together or get out and stay out.  He called me the next day and said he didn't think he was responsible enough to be a parent.  His choice was to leave.  Even as a young mother I knew that some day this decision was going to have devastating effects on my girls.  It saddens my heart to ever think they doubt their self or me.  As I have always told them no matter what I am always here and no matter what I'll always be here.  I have to say in his defense I was the hateful parent who wanted to make it difficult.  But when we sat those couple of hours and talked I was honest and I was real with him and I would have worked with him if he chose to stay in their life.  For whatever reasons he made his choice and he'll have to explain it to them.  Not me. 

Parents do not realize the devastating and long-term effects it has on a child to know that they gave up on them.  Whatever the reason is, is it really a good enough reason?  I see it in both of my daughters eyes.  They are hurt, angry, desperate whenever they think about him.  If you are an absent parent or part-time parent stop and think about what you are doing to your child and the long term effects.

I realize that everybody's situation is different.  And sometimes there are circumstances out of your control.  You know where your heart is and what your actions show.  It is up to you to decide and what you can live with in your decisions as parents.  In a perfect world it should never matter what you think of the other parent.  The responsibility falls on you both.  My heart goes out to the children who suffer because of their parents, mine included. 

So when I speak of being a single parent in future blogs, you'll know what kind of single parent I am.